Truths held to be self-evident, part one

These are things I believe to be true:

Planned obsolescence was the finest intellectual concept of the 20th century. It's boring to repair a worn-out appliance. The real excitement is buying a new one: the larger the appliance, the greater the excitement. Televisions are best.

I believe it's mandatory in the medical profession that patients who arrive punctually for their scheduled appointments be required to wait a minimum of twenty minutes; longer would be better. Doctors are highly educated individuals whose valuable time is wasted if the patient changes his mind and leaves soon after arrival.

If you're watching a television program (news, sports, or entertainment), and see the name "Fox" on your screen, you're watching crap. You can safely turn it off and have confidence you're not missing a damned thing.

Blogging is guaranteed to improve your vocabulary. Today, I looked up the exact definition of "diaspora." I thought I might use the word in a haiku someday.

If you see the names "Hannity" or "Coulter" on the cover of a book, don't buy it that day. The same bookstore will be selling it for 99 cents in a few months.

If an obese woman is standing in the snack food aisle at Walmart, count the seconds until she starts a cellphone call. It will almost never be over 100. If she has a pre-schooler with her, count the seconds until the child starts misbehaving. Again, the usual number will be 100 or less. Bonus points are earned if both a phone call and a misbehaving brat come in at under 100 seconds.

In professional football, a player who scores a touchdown will typically dance and wave his arms for at least 30 seconds. This can be annoying if you're a football purist, but I've learned that tolerance is in order. After the game, the player who scored will inform anyone listening that God was actually responsible for the touchdown. The dancing and arm-waving are rituals of praise and worship. At one time, I didn't know that.

If I mow my front lawn then attempt to sweep my driveway, the wind will start blowing. This is a phenomenon in nature that I can't explain.

I believe no record collection can be complete without the greatest hits of Buddy Holly, the Temptations, Roy Orbison, and Johnny Cash, and at least one Miles Davis album.

I believe the constitution assures the right of every American to arm to the teeth and own as many guns as he or she can afford. I don't believe the constitution guarantees the right to carry concealed handguns. Unless you're an undercover policeman, I believe you should be required to wear your guns out in the open where I can see them. To put it another way: if bearing arms, bare your arms.