If I Were Roger Ebert...

Now that the nasty business is over for the day, I'll get back to cheerier topics.

My idea of a great job is film critic for a major newspaper. Something like Roger Ebert's job. As previously noted, I love a good movie, and I like to pass time writing. Getting paid to watch movies and write evaluations of them would be cool.

Unfortunately, I lack the expertise and writing skills to get a job like that. Plus, once it was paid employment, the fun might go out of it. I don't know, but things work out like that sometimes.

Bottom line is, I'll probably remark on movies I've seen on "Big Bad Box." If my daughter the artist and my older sister check in, they can pick up my recommendations and save on e-mail postage.

A while back, I developed my personal rating scale for movies. It's real simple, based on numerical ratings of 1 to 10.

Any movie I rate a 10 is my idea of a masterpiece. A work of art. Like a divine revelation. For me, Saving Private Ryan is a ten. It had everything you could want in a movie. Tens are few and far between, and I doubt if I see more than one per year.

Movies rated 8 or 9 can't quite match the standards or all-around quality of a 10. But when they're over, I say to myself: My life is a little better for having seen this. Movies that work on my emotions (make me happy or sad or angry) will usually get an 8 or 9. Forrest Gump and The Green Mile were examples of movies I'd rate as 8.5 or 9. Most Tom Hanks movies are at least an 8 in my book. The documentary Why We Fight is a 9 approaching a 10.

To get rated 5, 6 or 7, a movie has to take my mind off my troubles for 90 minutes or so. These are movies no one will describe as a masterpiece, and usually I'll barely remember having seen them a month later. A movie rated 5 will feature at least one of the following: interesting characters, interesting plot, excellent cinematography, awesome special effects, or a really excellent performance by a cast member. Sixes and sevens will feature two or more of those elements. A lot of people refer to these movies as "guilty pleasures" or "eye candy." Usually these movies aspire to be nothing greater than mainstream entertainment. If they're nominated for Oscars, it's in the technical categories. Maybe best supporting actor or actress. Any Steven Spielberg movie will get at least a 7 (e.g., War of the Worlds). Spielberg also directed two of the very few 10s on record (Saving Private Ryan and Schindler's List), and many of the 9s (any of the Indiana Jones movies, Jaws, The Sugarland Express, and Munich, to name a few).

Denzel Washington has made several 7s lately. The Illusionist with Edward Norton is an example of a 7. Breach with Chris Cooper would be another 7, but almost an 8.

You won't see a movie rated 1 in my blog posts, because a 1 is so bad that I stopped watching after about 15 minutes. Twos, threes, and fours are watchable, but I won't be wasting time commenting on them here.

At any rate, you won't be seeing Roger Ebert's trademark Thumbs Up here, but I'll occasionally insert my personal ratings following the movie title in bold font. In online slang, fwiw.

As always, if you disagree with my ratings, feel free to rate 'em yourself in the comment box.